&rodney dangerfield

This guy is so hilarious! These are some funny quotes i found on the net. Most of the jokes are for 18+ tho. hahah

• "A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."

• "If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

• "And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with."

• "During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

• "One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early."

• "Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

• "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

• "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

• "My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

• "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

• "When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through."

• "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

• "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

• "Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide."

• "On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

• "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

• "I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get."

• "I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

• "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!"

• "When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!"

• "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

• "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

• "I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."

• "I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

• "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

• "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

• "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

• "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

• "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

• "My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock."

• "My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

• "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!"

• "My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

• "My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

• "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

• "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

• "With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!"

• "I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough."

• "At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !"