&rodney dangerfield

This guy is so hilarious! These are some funny quotes i found on the net. Most of the jokes are for 18+ tho. hahah

"A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."

"And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with."

"During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early."

"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide."

"On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

"I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!"

"When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people."

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass."

"My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock."

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!"

"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

"With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!"

"I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough."

"At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !"