• I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’
• I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’
• I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.
• ‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’
• I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out and I have pants. Perfect!
• When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.
• I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’
• I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana " keep going. Bananana " damn.’
• I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.
• I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
• I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
• People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart. Especially if the human is kind of hairy.
• Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?
• Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.
• They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.
• Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.
• One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? "or Carnival?? "Carburetor!?!? Man.
• The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
• About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)
• I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’
• I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’
• I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m cold just right here?’
• I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do. but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’
• I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’
• A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees’ ‘Trust me.’
• I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’
• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
• I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
• I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
• I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’
• An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’
• My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’
• I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I’m Jill". I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
• The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
• My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying "Oh, Steve’s really a cat person". No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, "Hey, Steve never goes in the pool".
• On same Daily Show episode, when asked about dangers of MySpace: "On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey."
• If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
• It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "Happy" sarcastic birthday, douchebag.
• I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?". She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? " Liar.
• I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, "It looks like you’re writing a ransom note, need some help? You should curse more." The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.
• Graffiti: I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like "Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you." Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like "Bush sucks!", "U2 Rocks!". I want to make indifferent graffiti. "Toy Story 2 was okay!" "I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further", "This is a bridge!", "That guy’s right!"
• If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
• I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.
• I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news" I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest.
• I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don’t have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off." So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ’cause you’re a genius.
• A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What’s your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What’s your favorite color (person?)"
• My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won." "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."
• I’m excited to be here. I almost didn’t do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I’ll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can’t do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it’s cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves. - melbourne comedy festival
• I heard this lady say "I love kids." That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying "I like people, for a little while." "How old are you? 14? Fuck off!" You can say "I love kids" as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. "I love twelve-year-olds."
• I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."
• Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
• I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.
• I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
• A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
• I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...
• I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
• I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
• I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
• If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
• 'Cotton balls' is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. 'Cinnamon buns', on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'
• If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.
• I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped!... but enjoying the music".
• I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
• I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'
• There's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
• I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
